What You Mean To Me Brat
by twent47blue
Summary: This is Yuki's point of view while Shuichi thought that Yuki is busy typing only his love stories, Yuki had a diary dedicated only for Shuichi, but its only for Yuki's eyes only. I don't own the character.Most of the characters are OOC.
1. What You Mean To Me

Disclaimer: A Spoiler of Gravitation, not mine, just the story.

I never thought anyone could mean so much to me, I never thought anyone could affect me so. You had done all of these things and more, you had awaken all my senses in me, burying yourself in my system, in my heart, in my soul. How could it be, when I told myself a dozen times that I would never love again? That I won't see you again? I hate you, that's one thing I wanted to say to you first. What did you do to me to make me want you this much? To make you affect me so? You're in my thought in every mili-second, in my lips in every word I utter, my senses are adapted only to your scent and touch, and knows no other. How could I live without you now? Didn't I tell you I would die first? Didn't I tell you I would go first and you to follow? I hate you for going before me, how can I live now? How can I function now? You think I can go on without you? You think I could last a second without you? You promised me you won't die, how dare you broke your promise! I hate you. I am half the person I am now because of you. Brat...stupid brat. I miss you so much, I can't breathe. You suck out the life out of me. When you went away, you took a part of me with you. You took my heart, my soul. And everything else that is connected to me. Because we are connected, you and I, you see...part of me died along with you, part of me was buried with you. And that you're gone, I don't think I would last that long, I would be with you soon enough. We are linked you and I, gravitation, remember, my love? we are attracted to each other, glued to each...one cannot survive without the other, you are the ying to my yang, my salt to my pepper, my cloud to my sky, my paper to my pen, my shadow...my link...my better half...my other half. So, tough luck...you thought you won this time, that you went ahead, well, I got news for you, brat...I'm going with you. I will see you soon. As I lay here on our bed, your last scent capturing me in a tight embrace, your voice echoing in my head over and over again, if I close my eyes, I can imagine you there with me. A small breeze caress my cheeks...Is that you, brat? What took you so long? "Open your eyes, Yuki san, we are together now, you don't have to imagine me anymore...I am here...you are here...with me..." I felt the pain in my chest as my heart broke when they buried you, that nagging feeling didn't leave til now. Suddenly the pain is gone...I felt myself being lifted up by gentle hands...and when I opened my eyes...I see you...brat.


	2. Why I Love You

I resist the urge to call you…my hand poised on the receiver. Baka…tsk….I picked up the phone and dialed your mobile number, "Yuki! Yuki! I love you!" The brat shouted on the receiver as soon as he answered the phone, a smile escaped my lips, and felt a tug at my heart. Damn, a full grin on my face, hell, he wouldn't see me anyway, actually its more like a stupid, love sick grin.

"What time are you gonna be home, brat?" I asked, trying to sound annoyed. But actually anxious to see him again.

"You missed me!" Shuichi said, with a laugh, and shriek so loud I have to turn the receiver away.

"Damn it, brat! Even on the phone you're noisy!" I said, irritated, but actually I do miss him.

Shuichi chuckled, "Sorry, Yuki. I would be home soon, we're just finishing up, give me another hour." He said, with a sigh, He sounded tired and my call, I know cheered him up.

"You want me to pick you up?" I asked, my voice softened a little. He must be too tired to walk home, they had been recording for their next album for the past three days now, am glad they are being let out early tonight so he can have a decent sleep for once.

"You must be busy, Yuki, its okay, I can still walk home." He said, sounding cheerful.

"I need cigarettes anyway, and beer, am gonna swing by you on the way back." I suggested, the truth is am anxious to see him. There's an ache inside me when he is not around.

"Okay, Thanks. See you later, Yuki." He said, with a smile on his voice, I turn off the phone and was surprised to find myself smiling. Stupid brat. What did you do to me?

I was busy preparing dinner when I dropped the spoon when I heard someone humming, whirling around and looking around the empty apartment. Shit. I laughed. Picked up the spoon I dropped, it was me, I was the one humming. I looked at the clock on the wall, it's time to pick up the brat. I turned off the stove, grabbed my jacket and keys on the counter.

I swung by the convenience store and got my cigarette and beer, I saw pink at the curve when the NG building loomed in front of me. He was waving, so excited to see me, when he saw the car.

"Yuki! Yuki! I love you! Thank you for picking me up!" he said, excitedly in one breathe, his eyes shinning from the excitement. How could he be so happy just seeing me? How could he act so energetic pulling a three-day all-nighter just by seeing me? I looked at him and gave him a faint smile, stopping myself from saying you're welcome.

"Put your seatbelt on, brat, or the cops will give me a ticket." I said, in a way of saying you're welcome. He touched my arm fondly, I know he is resisting the urge to pounce on me and give me a kiss. You're not the only one, pal, wanted to kiss him so hard now, you look so delicious with that glow on your face.

We arrived at the parking lot unceremoniously, but when we got to the elevator, I really couldn't take it anymore, I push the stop button, and leaned closer to the boy. "Y-Yuki, what are you doing?" he asked, breathless. I stopped the rest of his words with a passionate kiss I've been wanting to do since I picked him up. He let out a groan, and that made me as horny as hell. I want to take the kiss further, I could feel myself grow hard, and I know he wants it too. I push the button again, waiting for the elevator to take us to our floor, Shuichi was breathing hard on my neck, taking little nips. "Damn it, brat, wait till we get in the house!" I said, couldn't control myself and let out a groan as I pounce on him. We heard the door opened and we dragged each other blindly, staggering between kisses and bites towards the door to the apartment. Not breaking the kiss, almost taking all our clothes off right then and there, I couldn't concentrate on finding the keyhole, my eyes are in heat and steamy, "Stop it! Let me get the door!" I shouted, he let out a chuckle as he guided my hand.

We stumbled in the house, I kicked the door closed and push him on the floor, ripping his clothes off, all the while he was letting out small groans of pleasure which is driving me nuts. "I want you now!" he shouted. He was grabbing for my belt and tugging it urgently. We were naked in seconds.

How did I end up this way? How could I let anyone in my system this way? I told myself that Yuki is the last. But watching Shuichi, with so much love on his face, calling out my name with genuine pleasure and love as I thrust inside him, if he could only take me in further I know he would, he said he wanted to absorb me in his skin, he wants me to live in his skin. Damn it, I love you! I love you Shuichi! I love you so much! I wanted to say, but all it came out are groans, I held him close and kiss him with all the love I can muster, even if I can't say it, maybe my kiss will let him know what he truly means to me.

We both let out a groan at the same time, as we climaxed together. I rain kisses on his sweat-drenched face, "I love you, I love you, I love you!" I whispered under my breathe. I let out a gasped of shock, did I just do that? I looked at my lover carefully, checking if he heard me. He was breathing heavily, his eyes closed, with a smile on his lips, his arms still around my waist, I just declared my love for you and you didn't hear it, I chuckled lightly and kiss him, "Welcome home, Shuichi." I whispered. He moved and held on to me tighter, "I love you, Yuki." He whispered in his dream state. And I held him close, and kiss him more tenderly. This is why I love you, Shuichi…because you complete me.

A/N: Thank you to Shuichi's Lova finally updated. Thanks again.


	3. When Darkness Falls

I was in the kitchen preparing lunch, when I heard him coughing in the bedroom, I was absent-mindedly humming, but I stopped when I heard him coughing like that. I put down the plate and walked to the door, my hand poised at the door knob. Then I heard it again, he really got a bad cold there. I opened the door, trying to ignore the prone figure on the bed, headed to the bathroom and closed the door. I slumped on the toilet seat, damn it, Eiri, why can't you show feelings for once! I shouted at myself, my hands over my face, I was really worried about the boy, but I don't want him to know what I feel. I let out a sigh, and tried to compose myself. I got up and walked out of the bathroom, in time to see him, sit up to control his coughing, he needed to sit up to cough. I forgot what I was planning to do and rush to him.

"Are you alright, brat?" I asked, feeling his forehead, and holding his clammy hands. It took him awhile to answer me, he was coughing so hard, he's got a slight fever. He smiled weakly at first when he looked at me.

"I'm okay, Yuki, I just caught the bug, I guess." Shuichi replied, squeezing my hand.

"Lunch is ready, you want me to bring it here or you're gonna eat with me outside?" I asked, lightly, really wanting to take him to the hospital now.

He shook his head, "No, I want to eat with you." He said, and got up, I stood up and waited for him, when he stood up beside me, he slumped and I caught him right on time, "Shuichi!" Grabbing him, as he collapsed in front of me.

I grabbed the phone and dialed for an ambulance, you're going to the hospital, brat, flu or not. I decided, wiping his face with my hand, kissing him and holding him close in my arms.

I waited for the doctor outside his room, I was so anxious, and couldn't even smoke, I rag on Tohma for driving the boy to exhaustion with all these publicities and tapings. "If something happens to him, Tohma, you're gonna answer to me." I told him on the phone. The doctor was taking so long, if it's just flu, Shuichi would be up and we would be out of there in no time, and get on with our private Christmas party.

Finally the doctor, went out of the room, "How is he, doctor?" I asked. "Are you family?" he asked, looking at me, I want to smack him right then and there.

"Am his lover, is Shuichi alright?" I replied, trying to control my anger. The doctor's face didn't change.

"You need to get his family here, I need to talk to them." The doctor said, not even sympathetic at all.

I clenched and unclenched my knuckles, before I say something that would hinder me from getting the truth out of this prick. "Look, doctor, we're both tired, its Christmas eve, I know you've got a family to come home to, but right now, I'm his family, either you're gonna tell me now what's wrong with him or am gonna make you work until New Year's Eve and make you beg me for mercy." I said, my face inches away from him.

The doctor cringed at the site of those eyes, those are not kind eyes, those eyes are cold.

"I-It's- pneumonia but I want to keep him here for a couple of days. There's an epidemic of pneumonia that's why I want to observe him for awhile. If you can inform his family." The doctor said, shaking.

"Thank you, doctor, there, that wasn't so hard, wasn't it? Merry Christmas to you, don't worry about his family, I am his family, doctor." I said, and walked in the room, leaving the doctor running to the hallway.


	4. Yuki's Sutra

I don't know how to face him, but the minute I was in the room, all my anxieties, vanished completely, all the hiding of emotions, gone, all I wanted is to be with him, to take him in my arms, and take care of him until he is better. He look so small and frail lying there, all white, even his face is white as ghost. When did that happen? And we thought it's just the flu, what am I gonna say to everybody? Will Shuichi being this way be pinned on me, too? Will they blame for him getting sick? Why does it always have to be me? Is it because am mean and arrogant? Can that make anyone sick?

"Brat." I whispered, kissing the top of his head. He stirred, "Y-Yuki." He called to me, weakly, my heart broke. Tears pouring down my face.

"I love you Shuichi, I love you so much, do you hear me, brat?" I said, clutching that small body in my arms. If he had his energy back he'd probably yelling in my ear, jumping all over, embracing me so hard, and kissing me all over, all at the same time. But all I got in return was a faint smile. He nodded weakly, "T-Thank you, Yuki." He said, weakly, and closed his eyes. I held him tighter. I want to feel him, I want to absorb him in my skin, I want him to be a part of me, the same he did with me, the way he took me in his system, the way he made me a part of himself.

Absolution…is this my absolution for the crime I did? Why not me? Why not take me? I had done everything I ever wanted even love someone with all of me, why not take me? I cried so hard, I never cried in a long time, the last time was when he was raped because of me, but, this time, a part of me was being ripped away from me, taken away from me. Why not cut out my eyes, severe my arm, cut my throat but please don't take Shuichi away from me.

I felt so weak, I can't breathe, my head is spinning…I must have passed out, the next thing I knew I saw Tohma and the rest of the guys looking at me with worried faces. I looked at them with confusion.

"How are you feeling, Eiri san?" Tohma asked, I looked around me, am in a hospital, but I was there because I took Shuichi there. What's going on?

"Shuichi?" I asked, when I found my voice, I tried to get up, but I felt pain in my head.

"Don't." Hiro said, pushing back on the bed, gently.

"Shuichi is sleeping, your bed is right next to him." Hiro said, they moved away so I can see my brat.

"Boy, talk about love, you guys really do things together, don't you?" K commented, with a smirk.

"I'm alright, I'm just exhausted, just needed sleep." I said, trying to get up again. This time it was K who tried to stop me.

"Hey, you're not the doctor, dude. So, lie down. You had a breakdown, you are both pushing yourselves too much, lie down so you will be able to take care of Shuichi." K said.

I looked at them, "I have a request to make if you guys won't mind," I said.

Tohma smiled, and the rest just looked at me. "I'm not used to sleeping alone, can you asked them if we can put the beds together, so I can hold Shuichi's hand?" I asked. They all let out a surprised gasp, yeah, I know, so Un-Yuki like.

Tohma nodded, "I think that can be arranged, gentlemen? Would you do the honors?" Tohma said, eyeing his crew. They heaved and push my bed next to Shuichi, there were doctors and nurses who tried to interfere, but a word from Tohma Seguchi they just nodded.

"Thank you." I said, simply, Tohma touched my forehead.

"Eiri, are you sure you didn't hit your head or something?" Tohma asked, with a smile. I shook my head, trying not to smile or else they might transfer me to the Psychiatric ward if I continue with this erratic behavior. Maybe I did hit my head, finally. About time, too. Before it's too late.

"Merry Christmas Yuki, enjoy it with Shuichi." Hiro said, and they all pat me on the shoulder before leaving me with my brat.

When everyone was gone, I reached out and touched Shuichi's cold hand, put it in my lips, tears pouring down my face once again. I closed my eyes, as I felt a sharp pain in my chest,

_I never asked for anything from you, but this time I will. If I need to pay for the crimes I did, do it all to me, don't do it to the one I love, if there's anyone you need to punish, punish me. You've taken everything from me, I just need one, and no one else, I need Shuichi. I need him like my air, my sight, my voice, my words. He is everything to me and more, if you're killing me softly, you are doing a good job but, please before you take him, take me first._

I'm a monk but I never prayed in my entire life, but this time, I got the only sutra I needed, right here, next to me, next to my heart. My Shuichi.


	5. Absolution

The doctor said it's pneumonia. It's probably nothing. I'm the only one who is really worried. Why would they care as much as I do? They get worried, am sure. But they don't take the brat as seriously as I do. Yeah, right, Eiri, the fever is getting to you. You throw him out of the house on a regular basis. 'Cause he's a brat. But he is mine. MY BRAT and I love him so much. Maybe I should get my prescriptions checked, maybe I need a stronger dosage. Maybe I need to take it easy on the boy. Yuki sighed as he watched Shuichi sleeping, with all those tubes and tapes all over his body. And he looked at his single IV. Pathetic. I'm pathetic. What did I do to deserve you, Shu? I can't believe I'm so lucky to have you. I reached out and touched his hand. A tear escaped my eye.

Oh, please. Please. I beg of you. Whatever you are, a god, a Buddha, a supreme being. If I need to atone for my mistakes don't take it on the innocent. He's got nothing to do with my sins. My mistakes. If you need me to suffer more, I will bear it. I will suffer for it. I don't deserve him I know. But why would you give him to me if he's not meant to be mine? If it's for him and not for me. Then, please, God, Allah, Yahweh. Let me make it up to him. If I'm not worthy of such being I understand. But please give me a chance to show him how much he deserves love and attention. He had given so much. Done for me so much. Let me make it up to him.

Yuki laid there. Crying and praying to all the gods that he knows. He had never done so much of both in a long while. Not even when he had taken a life. But for the first time in his entire life, he is important to someone. He had never thought he could be that to anyone. And no matter how he push, no matter how he tries to deny Shuichi his love, he is still there, loving him.

He fell asleep holding Shuichi's hand. He was only awaken when he felt someone tugging at his hand. He opened his eyes. He could hear a strong monotonous beeping sound and then it died. Shuichi? He looked around and found nurses and doctors all over Shuichi, they were pumping his chest, checking his vitals and they are rushing to do things to Shuichi. Shuichi's eyes were closed, his mouth hanging open. What's gong on? What's happening? And they are wheeling him away in a rush.

Yuki started to call out to them to ask them what's going on. But they were in a hurry to take him somewhere before Yuki could have a chance to come to fully awake. Yuki called for a nurse. No one came. Where did they took Shuichi? Why did they take Shuichi? Yuki buzzed and buzzed, no one came. What kind of hospital is this? Such poor service. He thought. He sat up and reach for the phone, no dial tone. WTF. He reached for his IV and yanked it. Pain coursed through his arm. When the throbbing and the vertigo subsided. He got out of bed and walked slowly to the door. Taking small steps, and would stop when the spinning would hinder him for taking another step.

When he reached the door, and stepped out. He glanced at the nurses station. It was empty. No wonder. He thought. But he found that peculiar, that it would be empty after the commotion he witnessed earlier. Another strange thing Yuki noticed is, it's so quiet, no sound, no anything anywhere. Hospitals are not usually quiet, he knows, no matter the time, there would be machines beeping, there would be quiet footsteps and voices everywhere, a groan, a whisper, little noises, anything not this. He checked his ear, if someone put a stopper on it, he couldn't even hear the paper slipper he is wearing he was dragging across the floor. This is weird. Then he saw then, a few meters away, he saw pink being dragged in the elevator. "Shuichi!" his voice sounded flat, there's no echo or anything. He touched his head, is it the medication they gave him, what is happening? Everything is strange. He dragged himself to the elevator to check where they are taking Shuichi. He watched the numbers going down and down, his heart stopped when it stopped at the basement. Usually the floors down there is where the morgue is. "Shuichi!" "No! No! It can't be!" he said, finding strength to keep pressing the button until it goes up, it was taking so slow, he looked for the stairs, and with renewed strength, Yuki ran down the stairs, crying all this time, but his hazy gaze didn't stopped him, somewhere along the way down, he lost his slippers. "Shuichi!" he kept repeating to himself, over and over again.

He reached the basement at last, with a glimpse of a door closing. He stopped. Trying to catch his breathe. He didn't know if he can go on, now that he is here. He dread to read the sign on the door. There's only one door in the entire floor, one room in this entire floor, swinging doors where there's no beeping sound, where there's a strange odor emitting from the room within, where everyone taken there never goes out the same way but taken somewhere else.

Yuki slumped to the floor, crying so hard, "I thought they said you exist, I thought they said you are forgiving and kind, I thought that if you believe you will have your reward, that if you give your penance you will be given your forgiveness. I only asked you one thing, one person, why can't you give him to me? Why can't you hear my plea? Not for me, I know I don't deserve him, but those others who believed in him, those others who can love him." Yuki cried. He stayed like that for a long while, not knowing if he can find the strength to get up. He wanted to go to him, to hold him for the last time. He wanted to capture those lips for the last time.

Slowly he got up, still sobbing. But feeling numbed. He walked towards the swinging doors. And there he is. Shuichi. Laying there, as if he was sleeping. Yuki let out a whimper and ran to the gurney where his brat lay. He hugged him tight, and hold him so close, "Shuichi, Shuichi. I love you Shuichi." He whispered, over and over again. Kissing the soft lips for the last time, absorbing the last of Shuichi's warmth. He didn't know how long he stayed that way, holding Shuichi's lifeless body. He must have passed out.

Someone was calling him. Someone was shaking him. That voice sounded so familiar. "Yuki, Yuki! Wake up already, am here now." The voice called.

"Shuichi." He whispered. The person took his hand back, surprised at the name that came out of Yuki's lips.

"Yuki." The voice softened in Yuki's ear. Shuichi's scent filled Yuki's senses, he can smell him, hear him and can feel him. All those things that reminded him of Shuichi. He cried. No, he is gone.

"Shuichi, I love you, Shuichi!" Yuki cried, not wanting to open his eyes, if this is the only way he can have his brat, he will just lay there and smell him and feel him.

"Oh, Yuki! You really mean it? You love me?" The voice continued, sounding so much like Shuichi, Yuki could feel the bed bouncing, he smiled imagining Shuichi bouncing on the bed, with that wonderful smile on his face, he had never seen anything so beautiful.

"Yes brat, I do love you." He whispered again, when he felt the familiar touch holding him, embracing him. Shuichi. He whispered, his eyes filled with tears. Someone wiped his tears with kisses as it rolled down his face, he wanted so much to open his eyes, and see if Shuichi would be the one holding him, but he didn't dare for fear of losing him. If he is dreaming, he didn't want to wake up.

"Wake up, Yuki. Wake up, you're dreaming wake up." The voice called. Yuki shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

"No, don't want to lose you again, Shu. I want to be with you." Yuki said, crying this time.

"Hey…am here, Yuki. You know I will never leave you, I would always stay with you forever. You wished for me, remember? You prayed that I would be yours, right? So here I am." The voice that sounded Shuichi said. Yuki stopped crying, no one knows that, only him, and the gods that he prayed, too. Slowly, Yuki opened his eyes. He can see Shuichi, he can see their room, they are home. How could that be? "Shuichi?" he called, reaching out to see if he is real. Shuichi reached out and took his hand and kiss it. He felt that, he was real. This is real.

With a sound at the back of his throat, he grabbed Shuichi in a tight embrace, raining his face with kisses.

"Yuki, are you okay? Why are you crying? I came home as soon as I can." Shuichi said, deliriously happy and worried about his lover acting strangely.

Then Shuichi can feel him shaking, "Yuki." What now? And then he heard laughter, another first from Yuki, laughing, Yuki laughing. "Yuki, are you high or something? Did you miss eating again?" Shuichi asked, looking at him, feeling his forehead. Yuki smiled and kissed him tenderly, saying a silent prayer of thanks, I owe you one.

Touching his face, that face that a couple of hours ago was cold and rigid, he had been given a second chance. And this time he will fulfill what he promised. "Nothing, brat. I just miss you, Shu." He said, and kissed him again. Shuichi's minded clouded, he didn't want to ask anymore, whether it's divine intervention or a very strange dream, this is the Yuki he had always asked and prayed for and he got what he wants. He melted in Yuki's arms and swoon over his sweet kisses.

Owari


End file.
